Daddy’s Lil Princess
Usually I always tell the truth and let everything out. My writing is like bad diarrhea. I try to write as honestly as possible and not leave anything “secret”, but there is a secret that plagues me. A secret that I am absolutely perplexed by, something that really tears at my insides and threatens my bargain-basement anti-femalia.
My father is a very strange man, no doubt. He had a terrible childhood. He was raised in the 1930s, a poor Irish boy with an older brother who was too stupid to do anything. He also had an absent father, a mother who would rather buy herself a fur coat than shoes for her kids, and a younger brother and sister he was forced to raise most of the time because his alcoholic mother was missing.
When my grandmother was not missing, she was beating the shit out of her kids and having sex with the many “uncles” they had. The way he was brought up, I’m surprised he did not become a serial killer. Instead, he grew up to be an electrician who drank two gallons of vodka a day until he was about 40 and his stomach gave out and he almost hemorrhaged to death due to drinking. The doctor gave him a 5% chance to live. This is when he met my mother. He proposed to her before the operation. She said yes (probably thinking the old bastard would die) and he lived. They then got married, and five years later, had me. This brush with death did not stop the drinking, though. Daddy was an alcoholic tried and true.
Alcoholic dads…you have to love them. And I mean that in the most literal way. You have to LOVE them. And here is where my dirty little secret comes in. I never really LOVED my dad. I mean made love to him.
I was never molested by my father.
Sure, there were some touches and caresses here and there, and I saw dad’s weenie plenty of times. Our relationship walks the line of being sickly sexual, but as far as molestation goes, Daddy never did it.
I even tried to initiate things. I remember one time sucking on his nipple when I was about seven, and he said I was too old to do those kinds of things. I wondered at what age that would have been appropriate, but I didn’t ask.
Can you believe that? An alcoholic dad NOT molesting his daughter? And here is the kicker . . . my sister, who is also a nut, but was from a different wife and not even raised by my father, claims that he molested her! She doesn’t even live with the bastard. I was raised by him until I was 15 and she is the one that gets molested?!? What is up with that? I was not an ugly child either. I was very cute and sweet; for sure I could have been a huge star in child pornography!
Coming home from school was stressful, because dad was so unpredictable with the drinking and all. Sometimes I’d get bombastically berated for two hours for forgetting my house keys and having to ring the doorbell and making him get up and get it. Other times I’d ditch school and he’d find out and play checkers with me and let me win and give me 20 dollars. It was like a rollercoaster in a dark room. You never knew what twist, turn, or sudden drop lay ahead.
When Daddy was really horribly drunk, I’d lock myself in rooms for hours to avoid him. But he would only talk, never touch. And to this day, that baffles me!
Yes, child molestation is horrible, and I certainly don’t condone it; but I am so sexually fucked up that when people ask me why I do the things I do, I could so easily say daddy molested me and the conversation would be over. But I can’t do that. Not if I want to be honest. I have to go into a whole bunch of different reasons as to why I think that I’m like this, and it just doesn’t make sense.
My sexual complications extend back as far as I can remember. Ever since I started playing with other kids (I was raised an only child), I was playing with other kids. And it never stopped. People like me, who behave like me, are almost always victims of sexual abuse.
But not me!
Psychologically abused? Yes. Emotionally? Yes. And that’s it. Daddy kept his hands and his glands to himself. He did not do his job as an alcoholic dad. Well, I take that back, maybe he did.
His yelling and insanity did really do a job on my budding psyche, and maybe I didn’t need his daddy-cock to make me a complete nutjob who is abused by men on almost a daily basis. Maybe he did love me enough to fuck me up.
Maybe his swinging my beloved dead iguana around by its tail when he was drunk, or tapping on a table and saying “tick, tick, tick” for three hours straight, or finding him outside passed out on the hood of his car, watching my mother pull a knife on him to get him to calm down, and multiple trips to motels to avoid his insanity did the trick. All this time, I thought it had to do with some kind of flaw in my body or something.
To this day, I do have fantasies about being with my father sexually. And to anyone who thinks that this is weird: Where do you think the (repulsive) phrase “Who’s your daddy?” came from?
If a man ever asks me “Who’s your Daddy?” I promptly stop whatever we are doing and tell him: “Thomas McCarville, why do you ask?”
All of the men I date have substance-abuse problems. They are usually abusive as well. I have the dreams too. The dreams plague me. They say the subconscious is the window into the thoughts we choose to forget. I have at least one dream a week where my father is chasing me and trying to kill me. Or when I am at home with him and he is trying to fuck me. My father always hated the “repressed memories” trend in psychology that surfaced in the mid 1990’s lead by such luminaries of television as Roseanne Barr, and has I believe resurfaced in the past years. Good thing he now is interred in a wall meant for war heroes and he no longer has to hear about it.
One of those shrinks would certainly tell me that I have some kind of sexual relationship of my father. Like I said, I am only attracted to people who remind me of him, although I know this is common. But the dreams; I can’t seem to shake them. Having known that I was molested would explain the dreams so well.
My own psychotic disorders read like some kind of mass-murderer textbook: paraphilia, sexual masochism, voyeurism, hebephilia, acute personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, chronic post traumatic stress disorder, mania, sexual addiction, substance dependency, depression . . . and the list just goes on from there.
When people ask me what’s wrong with me they can’t believe I was not molested as a child. I can’t believe it either! It would make everything so much easier to explain. Why do I have sex with so many men? Why do I let men abuse me? Why am I so fucking strange? Daddy loved me…but he didn’t love me. I still have body issues because of this.
So here it is…my dirty little secret. I never made love to my father. It would explain so much. My life would make so much more sense. I guess it’s going to be a little harder to trace my fucked-up-ness. But if it’s true that my sister got some daddy love and I didn’t…well, talk about sibling rivalry!!!!!!
LETTER TO JIM “POWDER” RACCUGLIA ABOUT FUCKING UP MY RV. NOVEMBER 2020
WOW!!!!!!! I HAD NO IDEA SOMEONE COULD FUCK UP AN RV AS MUCH AS YOU DID!!!!!!! OR A HOUSE FOR THAT MATTER!!!!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A VILE DISGUSTING CREATURE…… YOU MAKE ME SICK….. JUST SO YOU KNOW WE HAD A MEDIUM COME TO CLEANSE THE HOUSE AND THEY DESCRIBED CONRAD TO A ”T” WITHOUT EVER HAVING SEEN HIM AND SAID THAT HE IS HERE AND HE SAYS THAT HE WAS POISONED…..
I HAVE TO SAY I WAS NOT SURPRISED….. I AND MANY OTHERS KNOW WHAT HAPPENED….. And it will only be a matter of time before you are caught and justice is served….. You dropped so many clues everywhere you stupid arrogant bastard like most narcissiststs, your arrogance will end up doing you in……
It has been a most torturous process removing your vile stain from the premises however….. no matter how much cleaning is done, it still seems there is a bit of your repulsive subhuman Raccuglia Stew in every nook and cranny of the house and the few possessions of Conrad’s that you were unable to sell……
You DISGUST me!!!!!! WORDS TRULY CANNOT DESCRIBE IT!!!!!!
What spurred this email, however was me FINALLY being able to get around to BEGINNING TO ATTEMPT to fix the job you did on MY FUCKING RV!!!!!!! MY HOME!!!!!! THAT I SHOULD NEVER ALLOWED YOUR FAT CORNSTARCH CAKED ASS THRU THE DOORWAY MUCH LESS ALLOW YOU TO DIG YOUR OWN CORNSTARCH CASTLE MURDER HIDEOUT/HOVEL INSIDE….. Meaning COMPLETELY RUINING IT TO THE STATE OF NO REPAIR!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SIT INSIDE WHILE IT RAINED AND LET PIECES OF THE CEILING FALL IN ON YOU????? AND MOLD GROW????? AND What….. you just basted youself with more vasoline and caked youself in cournsarch and PLOTTED THE MURDER OF A MAN WITH A HEART OF FUCKING GOLD ESPECIALLY AFTER LETTING YOU STAY THERE AND RUIN HIS HOUSE…… A MAN FAR BETTER THAN YOU (obviously) WHO YOU DESIRED TO BE AND HAVE WHATEVER HE HAD SO YOU FUCKING POISIONED HIM AND PLOTTED TO TAKE EVERYTHING THAT WAS HIS……
OH AND MAYBE YOU SAT IN THERE AND TALKED ABOUT PRINCIPALS IN WHICH YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BELIEVE ie. communism/socialism, the good of mankind, working twords a better humanity….. YAH LET’S JUST PUT THE WHOLE YOU MURDERED CONRAD THING ASIDE….. When you SOLD ALL OF HIS STUFF TO CHET AND POCKETED THE MONEY, that kinda took the whole “WOW JIM REALLY CARES ABOUT HIS FELLOW MAN AND I CAN REST ASSURED THAT HE WOULD SHARE EVERYTHING WITH EVERYBODY” idea out of the nonstop nonsenical BULLSHIT that is constantly oozing out of your repulsive cornstarch laden mouth……
OH AND BY THE WAY…… WHY DON’T YOU TAKE SOME OF THOSE IDEALS AND SOME OF THE MONEY YOU MADE OFF THE MAN YOU KILLED AND MAYBE PAY FOR MY FUCKING RV TO BE DE-RACCUGLIZED????????????? Not that that is POSSIBLE…… but a FULL FUCKING REMODELING IS NEEDED…… OR MAYBE JUST SHOVE EM UP YOUR ASS BECAUSE THEY ARE BULLSHIT AND SO ARE YOU!!!!!!!!
Well I will REST SOUND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT knowing that your repulisve stain WILL be purged from this house…… And that I am the one who owns it now, and Zack, and his father….. And you will NEVER be allowed to step one abominable cornstarch covered long twisted thick toenailed bunion bejeweled FOOT upon these premises ever again….. (((((and if you try….. Uhhhh.
….. Unfortunately for you, you leave a trail darling))))) AND I AM SURE THAT CONRAD’S SPIRIT WILL REST SOUNDLY AGAIN WHEN YOU ARE EVENTUALLY IMPLICATED IN HIS MURDER….. You have NO IDEA how many people have been talking….. Or what they have been saying….. I guess you’ll just have to WONDER won’t you?????? Does the CORNSTARCH help with the twisted psychosis as well, or does the twisted psychosis cause the cornstarch dousing? or is it a viscious cycle? well….. If it helps you…… You better start stockpiling it, because if you aren’t tormented enough….. You might become a hell of a lot more tormented in the future….. and not by my hand……
SLEEP WELL CORNSTARCH KILLER aka POWDER aka PIG aka ABOMINIABLE SNOWMAN aka JAMES RACCUGLIA…… XOXO.MEG.
ANOTHER EMAIL TO JIM POWDER RACCUGLIA JANUARY 2020
Please stay away from me. I do not like you AT ALL! You will NEVER get on my good side! I had to RUN HOME AND PEE yesterday…… I had no time to speak to you and tell you face to face how I feel….. but under less intense circumstances, rest assured I will….. But rather than do it in public I will just try it here (again)! Please do not come near me! And leave me the FUCK ALONE!!!!! I don’t like you Jim! I don’t like how you decided it was up to you to “store” all of Conrad’s shit when we both know you sold it to Chet. And are not afraid to tell Carol that. Conrad was a dear friend of mine and you TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM AND FUCKED HIM OVER IN LIFE AND EVEN MORE REPULSIVE IN DEATH!!!!!!!! You’re a sick man Jim. A complete hypocrite! A pretend communist/anarchist. Except you give ZERO SHITS about ANYONE but yourself…… So yes keep living your pathetic life…… Oh and it was CLASSIC OF YOU TO ASK CAROL IF YOU COULD MOVE BACK INTO THE HOUSE WHEN YOU HAD DESTROYED SO MUCH THERE THAT EVEN CAROL HERSELF had a theory about you purposely doing damage to bring the appraisal value down so you could PURCHACE the house! THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!!! You have NO SHAME!!!!! YOU BLAB ON AND ON ABOUT COMMUNISM AND ANARCHY YET ARE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I know!!!!!!! I don’t know how to get this through your thick FUCKING SKULL, BUT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Do not pretend I think anything more of you as an expendable piece of shit…… I hope you move far away! Oh yah AND TIME TO GROW UP BIG BOY!!!!!! AND STOP LEECHING OFF OF PEOPLE! You have that inheritance now and it will PAY ANY RENT BILL YOU PRESENT! SO USE THAT YOU CHEAP PARASITIC FUCK!!!!!!! Yes! It’s time to BE A BIG BOY NOW JIM!!!!!! And stop spouting this bullshit about communism BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SINGLE REASON COMMUNISM DOES NOT WORK!!!!!! YOU ARE A PARASITE AND TAKE AND TAKE WITHOUT GIVING SHIT BACK BESIDES ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE AND MAKING THEM MISERABLE!!!!!!
Conrad had wanted his house and YOU OUT for MONTHS! Nazi Bob left quietly…… His next target was YOU!!!!! He TOLD ME THAT HE GAVE YOU THE ULTIMATIUM THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU CALLED THE CORONERS ON HIM AT 6:00 a.m. JIM! Why were you up that early? Such a strange story….. and whenever I said WE SHOULD DO AN AUTOPSY…… you told me “he was already dust” which is a strange thing to say about your friend who just passed away….. and if you talked to ANYONE ELSE they KNEW THAT THIS SITUATION WAS SO STRANGE WITH HIM FIXING A TRUCK ONE DAY AND BEING PERFECTLY FINE….. Then that day/night he TELLS YOU HE WANTS YOU OUT FOR GOOD….. And he’s gone forever! Everyone says it’s so bizarre and untimely, but when I ask you. well you have about a thousand excuses why it’s perfectly normal that he died how he did….. Like “he drank too much KOOL-AID” “ he took too much DOPE meaning XANAX which he mostly got for me”….. Oh and then there was the classic “He had cancer” which first off was in remission and second of all you must think ppl are so dumb (of course you do because you are one of the dumbest most arrogant fucks I’ve ever met) because cancer is a long slow painful death….. not you’re fine one day and drop dead the next…..
It is approaching a year since Conrad passed and I miss him so much. A year until he turned to “dust”…. but luckily possessing some of that “dust”, I can get it tested for Lead based poisons for a few hundred dollars and that covers arsenic, cyanide, and all of the real popular good ones! Good luck Jim! And STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
XOX.
Meg McCarville is the author of Four Circles and responsible for an semi-enduring shitpile of distasteful and vile material in written, video, photographic and 3-D form for over 21 years now. She moonlights as a phone sex operator, and skype cam lady as she is a multiorgasmic squirter. She is a lonely broke old hag with 13 cats. She is mentally retarded.
Angel Rust 